Memory Palace

watched many tv series, movies, and even a stage performance recently.
so many different emotions, flowing through my heart,
hence my mood swings.
went out partying, spent time with family,
or couped up at home by myself,
i think i have done them all, looking for ways to cheer myself up,
looking for that ultimate 'pick me up',
but the sense of lost only gets greater after each and every measure.
it is strange, how can i person not know how to be happy?

watched a tv series based on a letter kids wrote,
to his/her adult self at the age of 20.
i wondered, what was i doing when i was 20?
it's true, bad memories do tend to become vague,
tucked furthur away inside the brain.
when i was 20, i thought i found the love of my life,
that i would live happily ever after, in a place i love the most,
surronded by love and love one, green trees and blue sky,
life was just wonferful then.
but of course, the story did not end that way,
for i am still here,
writing about how i was at the age of 20.
what would i say to me, the future me, the me at 30?
i don't know, but at 30,
i know what i would say to the one 20-yrs-old me.

people do change once they get older,
because when time is pressing,
you'd realized that the dream you once had,
the greatness you once desired,
is harder to achieve, is drifting away furthur, as you get older.
it doesn't mean you don't want them anymore,
maybe you r just tired,
or you have just realized one don't always get what one wants.
i don't know, i just wanna be happy,
i want everything to be simple.

i love motion pictures,
i admire the people who are in that industry,
whenever i watch a movie,
i could always get a sense of what i have lost,
what i have never experienced, what i longed for,
and what i actually have around me.
just today, i realized,
i have never been brought to a ball or a dance,
i have never wore a pretty gown and walk down the stairs,
having my family going goo-goo-ga-ga over me and my date.
i have never been inside a room where it's overwhelmed with love.
and how badly i want those things.

i think i am weak, a coward and a cry-baby.
upset all the time, pressuring myself to shoulder the weight,
and not brave enough to admit that this is not what i want.
just because people thinks i can do it, or i should do it,
and that's all the right reasons for all these suffering?
i think there is something wrong with my brain.
i know, i had it too good for all my life.
that's why i am not strong enough.
but i don't think i am demanding too much.
i just wanna feel happy again.
truely happy, peaceful, calm,
not the smile i try to put on infront of people,
just because i had to,
or because i don't want them to worry.

i know i am crazy for saying this.
but sometimes i do wish myself sick.
then i don't have to worry about reality,
and i get to be surrounded by love all the time.
the special treats, the caring words,
the warm hugs and kisses on my forehead,
might just make the sickness worth the while.
sometimes i am even scared,
that if i am not independent soon enough,
what would i do when my family is not around anymore.
and wishing that i am the first one to go.
life shouldn't be this hard right?
especially when i have it so good already.
but i just can't seem to find a reason to be living this life.
constantly thinking why and what am i here for?
even scared and resent sleep, because when i woke,
it means another day of a whole lot of nothing,
a lot of bad emotions,
a lot of what i don't wanna do but i have to,
a lot of game faces that i hate i have to force myself to put on,
a lot of things i want to but can't say out loud,
a lot of people i want to disappoint but too cowardly to do so.

i really hate this, i hate me, for being so useless and dependent.
for letting people to walk all over me,
but not having ways to defend myself.
for wanting to earn respects and even fame,
regardless of how unhappy the process is making me.
for not knowing how to get out of this loop, 
the dark hole, which i myself, dug.
life can be simple right? why is it so hard to feel peaceful and happy.
i am not looking for anything in particular,
just a ordinary, plain, uneventful but happy life.
i am turning 30 in a few months,
and i know family won't be there forever.
maybe that's why i am this scared,
for myself not being to be on my own yet.
i miss home, the clean air and blue sky,
the non-judgemental,
love you no matter what environment.
i don't want to be a beautiful, powerful, career woman.
i have missed so much already,
there are just way too many things i haven't experienced.
i don't want to live in so much regret and depressed feelings.
i just want it simple,
walking down a street and can feel that life is good.
i am tired, exhuausted in fact,
i don't know how much longer i can fight myself anymore.
and it scares the crap out of me.